Day 5

My heart still hurts.  It seems like its been more like 5 weeks and not 5 days since hearing the news.  Last night I couldn't sleep.  The tears just kept falling--and I had made it the whole day without crying.

I started looking at blogs of other CDH stories.  I found some that were so encouraging.  And then I came across some that just completely destroyed my hope.  I should remember not to do that so close to bed time. 

Shawn, the boys & I had to go to Amarillo yesterday to get the boys shots.  What a nightmare!  Ryder, my youngest, was the brave one.  He hopped right up there not really knowing what was about to happen.  Poor guy cried.  I tried to distract him while Shawn had to wrestle Cooper up onto the bed.  Shawn said that boy is STRONG and has abs of steel.  Since he was fighting, the nurse has to jab, and I mean jab, both his legs at the same time.  He screamed so loud!  I thought he would never stop crying.  The strange thing is--Cooper is super tough and Ryder is....not.  I did not want to get all 3 of the shots Cooper needed that day because I do not care for mixing that many things in my child's body.  So now we have to go back in mid August for one more. O M Gracious.  I dread that day.

So afterward we took them to Toys R Us--because that's what we promised them.  I never had intentions of buying the crib set from there but I wanted to look at them anyway.  They have the most beautiful girls set; changing table, crib, and dresser.  Its white and has bows raised in the wood.  Shawn would have bought it right then and there--although its way more than we planned on spending and the fact it may never be used.  I told him we had to wait.  For what?  I don't know. 

So as I was laying there last night I made a decision (at least for now) that I am not going to decorate her room.  I am not as strong as some women.  I read a blog last night where this woman's baby lived 6 weeks and she was at peace with her babies passing and knew it was in God's plan.  I know if I came home to a baby nursery and have to do something with all of it--sell it or whatever--it would send me into a place I do not want to be.  So for now, Sunni's room will look like Ryder's room and if someday I get to make it pink--it will be a happy, happy day.

Its just amazing how fast life changed.  Last week I was so excited for this summer.  I was going to keep busy with sewing, working on a nursery, making the boys rooms into 1 they could both claim. I pray this changes but right now I feel hopeless and almost depressed.  I am not enjoying my pregnancy anymore.  I had to actually think of how far along I was yesterday.  I feel Sunni kick and I just get the saddest feeling because I know she only has a little bit of time left to be pain-free, unless of course God decides to take her with him. 

I feel so ashamed to feel all these feelings when I read other people's blogs that have been positive the entire time and trusting in the Lord to heal their babies.  I could very easily lie and convince everyone that I am totally ok but be screaming on the inside.  I am not good at hiding things like that anyway.

I read last night that on average these babies have a hospital stay of 2-3 MONTHS!  How is that going to happen.  I have two boys to take care of, a husband, a job, and my baby will be miles away?  Possibly Lubbock or maybe Dallas?  This equation is not adding up for me.

I really hope next Friday answers some of these questions that I have.  My mind is working overtime.  My kids need me.  They are tired of seeing their momma cry.  They do not understand what is going on and I am not real sure I want them to. 

Please continue your prayers for both baby and I.  I hope that one day (soon) these blogs are less sad and more positive.  These are my true emotions though--laid out for whoever wants to hear them.  It really does help to get them off my chest.  Thanks for reading, praying, and hoping.