Hope.....or Not

I found out a few things on June 11.  One being that my heart had never been broken before.  I have never felt that pain before.  After crying my eyes out all day Monday and creating the worst headache imaginable---Tuesday came. 

I read those papers top to bottom about 50 times.  I started doing research.  I read success stories.  I read sad stories.  I searched hospitals.  I found some hope somehow through this.  Babies can survive this!  Maybe my baby can survive this.  Maybe I can still make her bedding?  Maybe I can still paint Ryder's old room pink.  Maybe...........?

My dr called me to let me know that I have an appointment with a specialist at Texas Tech in Lubbock on Friday, June 22.  I ask her a few questions that she didnt really know the answers to.  She said that I should know more after my appointment in Lubbock.  It sounded like I will not be delievering in Amarillo though.  Maybe they arent equipped for all that Sunni will need upon arrival. 

In my travels on the web I found that Houston's Texas Chilren's Hospital is ranked #2 in the nation on neonatalogy.  I have high hopes of finding the perfect surgeon for Sunni.

So while I have gained some hope that I will be bringing Sunni home I still have those doubts.  Shawn says I am a pessimist.  Maybe.  I like to think of it as being a realist.  I told him I would rather be prepared for the worst and the best happen, than be prepared for the best and the worst happen.  And its real easy to say postive things but its really hard to actually believe them.

Do I prepare for Sunni to come home?  Do I go ahead and decorate her room just the way I wanted it?  Do I attempt the impossible and learn to sew?  Do I buy all those things a little girl needs and wants?  I am not worried about the money that would be lost if the worst happens.  I am worried abot coming home to an empty pink room with no baby.  I am afraid.

While hope has come a long way since Monday I am still over here setting in sadness and grief and I am not liking it a bit.  I have so many unanswered questions that might not be answered til mid October. 

Im having a hard time with the fact I wont hold my baby when shes born.  She will be whisked away blue and having trouble breathing while she fights for her life.  I can see tubes sticking out of a little baby while she sets in a box awaiting to have surgery to put her intestines back in the right spot so that shes able to breathe.  This breaks my heart into a million more little pieces.  I cried during my boys shots and PKU's.  How am I supposed to be strong for her?

I know I have a huge support system out there.  A lot of prayer warriors.  I have been praying constantly.  I know I am needing prayers for my mind to change.  I want to be more positive.