Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Heart Shattered

I scheduled an appointment for 8 am!  In Amarillo!  Awesome.  In summer I try to make a habit of not getting up before 9.  But this day was special so I got up pretty easily and without complaint.

Shawn was working nights so he wasnt able to go.  The boys were pumped though.  They have loved seeing Sunni both the times before this one. 

We make it to the sono (on time--HOORAY!).  I think I must have been the first appointment at 8am so we didnt have to set in the waiting room but for 2 minutes.

I layed on the table.  The sono lady asks if I want to know what I am having.  YES!  I cant wait to go shopping!  (In fact, I have plans to go look at fabric RIGHT after you tell me its a girl.)  I ddnt say that outloud.  Sunni just happened to have her butt right up in the air and the first thing the lady said was "It's a girl." I was elated.  I could finally believe it.  There was no mistaking the "hamburger" this time.  I could now start that blanket of pink and teal that was in my dreams ALL night the night before.

She kept on looking at all the different body parts.  I just watched in awe.  The boys were getting a bit antsy.  Their attention span is all of 5 minutes.  Finally she stood up and said, "I am seeing something that I want the other sonographer to look at."  I was a little alarmed but not much to really think anything of it.

The other sonographer came in and looked for a few minutes.  I couldnt tell what it was they were seeing.  I didnt even know what part of the body they were looking at.  She puts the wand down and says, "Whitney, what we are seeing is an issue with the babies tummy.  I am going to go find a dr to come in and look at this."  So that is when I started getting scared/worried.  I dont see an actual dr there, I see a nurse practitioner, which was my option.  She happened to not be there.  As luck had it that day, not a single dr was there either.  All were in surgeries/births.  They cleaned my belly up and sent me out to the waiting room to wait for a dr to arrive.  

The boys were kinda fighting and getting restless.  I just wanted to get out of there.  I wasnt sure I wanted to hear the "news" anyway.  I contemplated just leaving.  When I was about to make that choice they called me back.  A nurse practitioner (not mine) was in the room. 

She introduced herself and then shattered my world all in one moment.

"Your baby girl has what is called a congenital diaphragmatic hernia."  And after that I heard a lot of blah, blah, blah, it will have to be corrected with surgery upon birth, blah, blah, blah.  She showed me a bunch of paper work on it.  I tried to focus.  "Do you have any questions?"

Uhmm, can I get out of here before I lose it?  Thats what I wanted to say.  I said no.  I dont remember details of getting into the car or buckling the boys up before I lost it.  I still was not sure what all of this was about.  I started reading a little bit of the papers.  I just wanted to be at home where I could cry my eyes out without everyone starring at me.

The drive home took forever.  I had every bad thought imaginable running through my mind.  In my mind all I could think about was that my dreams of having a little girl had been shattered on this day that I had been waiting on forever.

No more need to search for bedding, the perfect fabric, learning how to sew or make bows.  No need to buy furniture or put the boys in bunk beds.  None of that was needed anymore.  My heart was broke.

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